


The Fungi Conundrum

by Rosella_Burgundy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, Mutual Pining, Nonsense, Other, Rape/Non-con Elements, Secret Santa, Smut, mycophilia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:41:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21865393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosella_Burgundy/pseuds/Rosella_Burgundy
Summary: Luna and Theo discover a new naughty species of mushrooms.
Relationships: Luna Lovegood/Theodore Nott
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	The Fungi Conundrum

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Witches_Britches](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Witches_Britches/gifts).



> Many thanks to my alpha and Beta RooOJoy.  
> Once upon a time, Witches Britches and I discussed porn comics involving people having sex with mushrooms. The whole discussion started after seeing a Facebook post about it (I don’t remember who shared it, but if you recognize yourself and want to be associated with this nonsense, I’ll gladly credit you.) My twisted mind had to actually write something inspired by that.  
> This is shameless filth. There are mycophilia and smut, and yes...they go together. This story was written as crack, but I swear the characters are 100% serious about what happens.  
> Written for The Write Stuff’s Secret Santa, for a special person and fandom jewel: Witches Britches, you are a rare friend in this wild fandom.

“Fully sentient fungi?” With a chuckle, Theo placed his whisky tumbler on the tabletop. His eyes widened further when Luna nodded into her pink vodka lemonade.

“It’s impossible. The only semi-sentient beings in the fungi kingdom are the Bursting Mushrooms that can simply detect motion, the Leaping Toadstool that can jump, and the Fat Red Toadstool. The sentience of this one is unclear. Some swear they heard the mushrooms whisper to each other, but it has never been proved. Most likely, it was the effect of hallucination to make people believe such a thing.” Theo observed as Luna leant in her chair and tucked a strand of rogue locks behind her ear, exposing her seashell earrings. As if on cue, his heart leapt in his chest, leaving him almost breathless. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment he fell in love with his boss, but it had been complicating things for him. He could barely follow her words when her plump lips moved to disagree with him.

“That’s just the official classification. I am in possession of an old Herbology book that admits the existence of talking and mobile mushrooms in the Amazon jungle.” Luna’s sapphire eyes were fierce and sparkly, and it sent a shiver of excitement straight to his groin which was hardly appropriate since Luna was the owner of the Lovegood Rescue and Greenhouses, the firm Theo worked for.

“I beg to differ. Who’s the Herbology Master here?” Theo mastered to utter. In a single gulp, he finished his drink.

A glint of mischievous playfulness flickered in her eyes. “And who’s the Magizoologist, Mr Nott?”

The years of research and studies kicked into gear in his brain, finally winning over his lascivious thoughts, and he frowned. “Wait a second. Are you suggesting that there’s a species of mushroom that could be classified as an animal? Some sort of fungi-creature hybrid?”

A dimple carved a cute hole in one of her cheeks as she smirked. “That’s exactly what I’m suggesting. And I’ll prove it.” Her blue eyes shone like gems as she clapped her hands with excitement, her earrings swaying around her face.

 _Here we go again_ , Theo thought as he prepared himself to be dragged into another expedition to chase impossible theories. Not that spending time with Luna in the wilderness had ever bothered him.

* * *

  
  


Theo was used to hearing her calm breathing while she slept. The thin walls of the magical tent allowed him to listen to her sighs and soft moans as she rested. Aware of how wrong that was, Theo was ashamed of how his body reacted to every one of her breaths. They were his fantasy and his lullaby.

In the middle of the night, her regular inhales and exhales stopped, and Theo knew she was awake. He listened to her shuffle around her quarters. When Luna unfastened the knot that kept the magical tent shut and stepped into the muggy amazon night, his first instinct was to follow her. He wouldn’t be able to sleep, knowing she was alone in the jungle.

As he sauntered in the thick forest, he followed the trail she left behind. It was their safety precaution. Every time they separated, they left a magical trace so the other could easily find their location if needed. Luna’s trace was beautiful little patches of white flowers, the same ones she loved to tuck behind her ears. Theo adored it so much that he never paid attention to the species of flower she charmed into existence, so much for a Master Herbologist.

When Theo reached a river bend, the trace stopped, causing his heart to accelerate in panic. His gaze made a quick survey of his surroundings yet found nothing but thickly woven plants. The air smelled musty, almost mouldy and heavy. It felt as though he were breathing underwater.

“ _Homenum Revelio_ ,” he breathed out, his wand drawing an arc in the air. Nothing. Inhaling deeply, he closed his eyes to concentrate on his hearing. The forest played in his eardrum with its melodic song - insects chirping, leaves rustling, and animals singing. Soon, another soft tune mingled with nature’s sounds. Luna’s voice reached him, delicate and dreamy.

She often sang while researching, and it was the most soothing harmony that ever pulled at Theo’s heartstrings. Tonight, it was unusually enticing. Without pondering, he let her voice guide him to her. It was like a siren’s call, simply irresistible. When he set eyes upon her, he discovered that she wasn’t singing at all.

A group of the most uncanny “things” Theo had ever seen surrounded Luna. He wasn’t sure how he should define those swaying fungi-like creatures. Upon further analysis, they were definitely mushrooms, their shape resembling a huge, girthy penis that Theo idly thought he wouldn’t be able to grasp completely in his palm. The gland-shaped caps were as tall as a goblin, reaching Luna's hips. Suppressing a chuckle, Theo set one foot forward with the intention of helping Luna in her research. She had been right after all. The newly discovered creatures could turn out to be the discovery of the century in their field. Luna's firm could gain notoriety from all this.

He hadn’t made a single step before he froze on the spot, his eyes rooted on his boss. Luna leant forward, a light-hearted smile illuminating her face, and caressed the tip of one of those creatures. The fungus vibrated, a purring sound reverberating in the forest. From a little hole on top of the cap, it sprayed Luna's face with a glittery substance that sparkled in the night.

_Well, fuck._

With a giggle, Luna began stroking the phallus like it were a steel hard penis. Theo could not breathe; his lungs simply failed him.

Soon, Luna's little nightgown fell off her shoulders, leaving her gloriously naked. The moonlight shone on her pale skin, donating her an otherworldly aura. Theo couldn't move.

Luna's hand drew circles on her flawless skin, focusing on her rosy nipples at first, but soon sinking down to her glistening centre. From his hideout, Theo had the perfect view of her pretty little cunt. He couldn't think.

Her fingers parted her sex, revealing her rosy inner labia. As she found her clit, she closed her eyes. When she parted her mouth to let out a soft mewl, Theo bit his lip. All he could muster was to bring his hand to his mouth, palms joined and forefingers digging into his lower lip.

_Salazar, help him._

He debated biting his fingers to the bone in an attempt to rule his brain to sanity and walk away. What he was doing was wrong. Fuck, what _she_ was doing was wrong. They should not have come in search of a creature which, apparently, delighted in its perversion of spraying aphrodisiacs on unsuspecting night strollers.

"Theo…" A breathy plea in the night abruptly pulled him from his spinning mind. Who had spoken? Not Luna. Her eyes were still closed, her legs quivering under her expert touch.

"Join us, Theo." This time he could locate the source of that prayer. Right beside him. A nosy mushroom had sprouted out of nowhere and was now swaying before his eyes. In the blink of an eye, the creature secreted the same glitter towards his nose. Theo could do nothing to avoid breathing in the spores.

When he returned his eyes on Luna, she had moved over the top of the phallus she had been stroking. Slowly she sank onto it, letting its tip stretch its way into her core. All around her, the other mushrooms helped her, supporting her body, some grinding on her buttocks and stomach.

 _Oh, for all that was magic_. The moans coming from her lips were the sweetest music that had ever tickled his ears.

Theo didn't know what finally did him in, maybe the aphrodisiacal spores, or the sight of the riding goddess before him, but he had no choice but to give in to his worst (or best) instinct. As fast as he could, he rid himself of his clothing. Bare to the world, he emerged from the vegetation, his hard cock already in his hold.

Luna opened her heavy eyelids, her gaze immediately on him. Not stopping her thrusts, she beckoned him forth with her forefinger. "I was hoping you would follow me."

_Well, shit._

Unable to stop jerking his throbbing erection, he approached her. "This is wrong. I don't want to use you." The last granule of sanity helped him speak.

"Not if I've been...ah...waiting for you to use my...oh yes...body as you please since our eighth year...Oh, Morgana!" Luna slowly stood, the fungus falling out of her. With her big, shining eyes, she stared at him for a second too long, before she pulled him down by the shoulders. Her lips on his mouth felt like heaven and hell; he felt cold and burning at the same time. With deliberate slowness, her hands slid down his torso and wrapped around him. He had never felt so clumsy in his life, not having a clue what to do with his own hands. With a sigh, he simply let them rest on her hips until she pulled away slightly, bringing him down with her. He let her guide him to lie on a patch of white flowers that had bloomed out of nowhere.

The fungi around them swayed and emitted purring soft sounds. Some brushed against their skin as she climbed on top of him. One wrapped around her waist to aid her when she sunk on Theo and began bouncing up and down.

Theo could do nothing but stare, mesmerized, at her moving body. She was gorgeous, and he was fucked. Literally.

They danced under the moonlight all night, the mushrooms frolicking around them, aiding their pleasure with their glittery sprays and supporting their bodies. Theo wanted to live in this moment forever, but the combination of the aphrodisiac spores and Luna’s soft mewls soon sent him over the edge. He felt her fluttering around his cock, and it was a rush he was sure he could quickly get addicted to. Smiling like loons, they collapsed on their flowery bed.

Morning found them with their limbs still tangled. The fungi had gone, vanished into nothing. All that remained was a newly bloomed relationship.

Their love had been flowering for a long time. They had just needed a little help from a bunch of naughty mushrooms.

**Author's Note:**

> May you all survive this holiday season. May the force....blah blah. Thanks for reading :)


End file.
